The Model Seminarian (Reprise!)

It seems ONLY fitting! I am reposting this ditty from my first semester at Regent. 
23 days until graduation!



The
Model
Seminarian

With apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan
and "The Pirates of Penzance"
(but please feel free to sing along!)

I............
am the very model of a modern seminarian
I've information critical of languages grammarian
I know the verb and tenses of languages antiquarian
And quote from Aramaic and now even some Sumarian..



I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters analytical
I parse and line my Greek, both the simple and emphatical
I read my ancient Hebrew text with understanding little
Though profs tell me I must attend to every jot and tittle!


Though profs tell her she must attend to every jot and tittle!
Though profs tell her she must attend to every jot and little tittle!

I know biblical history, from Aristotle to McLaren
I've know all methods, points and sermons capable of reaching 'em
I hobnob with all leaders in the field of missiology
And hold my own regardless of one's view on eschatology


I'm very good at ancient earth and natural theology
I am the one who can defend most facts of anthropology
In short, in matters dogmatic or egalitarian
I am the very model of a modern seminarian!


In short, in matters dogmatic, or egalitarian
She is the very model of a modern seminarian!








With all my holy knowledge I'm quite plucky and adventure-y
My Call has not been questioned since the starting of the century
But still, in matters dogmatic, or egalitarian
I am the very model of a modern seminarian!


But still, in matters dogmatic, or egalitarian
She is the very model of a modern seminarian!

YES! I am the very model of a modern seminarian!

I've been humming it all day...
Deb

Reflecting on the last weeks

These last two weeks have been a whirlwind...

I had back-to-back modulars, one on worship leading and one on spiritual formation. The time away from home was hard because I missed my family. BUT... the time spent with God was encouraging and rejuvenating. I'm still a bit scattered on exactly what I am learning and processing. A few things are clearer...

I am uniquely gifted in leadership and that means I must not compromise in terms of a ministry assignment.  As I talked and prayed with others, it became clear that I have come to a watershed moment. I have faced some prejudice. I have made mistakes. But I have also learned that some of the problems I have had were because I "settled" for something that was not a good ministry "fit" for my gift set.

I am reminding myself, again and again, that I am beloved and cared for by my Savior God. It is nothing I do -- it is everything God is and the relationship I have. For someone who gets a wee bit driven, this takes off the perfectionist lens and puts things in perspective. I do nothing to earn God's love. It is everything God IS that forms the love relationship between us.

Time is fleeting. The seasons are changing. Our girls are growing. Life based on circumstances is futile. Life based on God is eternal.

Transitions suck. There's no predictability. There's no clear path. All I know is that God is in the mix. And I truly can rest in that.

Here's a few photos from the last few days...  I think they shout of God's Presence and love...

Let the field exult, and everything in it!
Then shall all the trees of the forest sing for joy
before the Lord, for he comes,
for he comes to judge the earth.
He will judge the world in righteousness,
and the peoples in his faithfulness.

 Psalm 96:12-13

 

Looking out towards the lake at the 4-H Wakefield center.

 

A little surprise snow shower frosted the ground.

 

The slow melt of snow with water droplets on the berries... so pretty!

The water in the swamp freezes in fern-like patterns. I have never seen that before!

 

I heard God say, "Come sit with Me awhile!"

 So I did...

The tent is flapping...

I've started so many posts in the last two weeks, most of which are now obsolete. There's lots to write about, but somehow the time crunch in getting ready to leave for modular week, and then being consumed by my class, meant that I didn't get anything written. At least, not on this blog.

There has been one image in my mind and it was confirmed during a prayer time in class this afternoon. I'm getting ready to move. Not in the physical sense, but in the ministry sense.

For the last several months I have been in a state of "ministry limbo" and was unsure of where I would "land" once seminary ended. What I had thought would be my place for serving in the Church was being changed. It was as though God has been telling me to start packing up my tent and to be prepared to move at the right time.

I confess that I have been resisting. I kinda liked the view. The folks at the neighboring campsites are pretty wonderful! There were things going on around me that were fun and exciting. Yet circumstance after circumstance, God was slowly and completely moving me from a place of being "settled' and comfortable into a place of impending change.


The mental image I have is that I am a tent, and God is systematically removing tent stakes, one after the other. Right now all that's left are the tent poles as one last stake came out of the earth. Soon the camp site where I have been comfortable, and where some wonderful things have happened, will be struck. And then I will be blown where the fresh wind of the Spirit sends me. I just don't know where that is.

So now I'm being transformed into a kite, I guess, held up by winds of God's choosing. There's other people joining me wheeling around in the Spirit. We look at one another and are amazed. What God can do with a freed-up life is pretty electrifying!

It is a wee bit terrifying and exciting, all at the same time. And I wouldn't have it any other way...

The prof for our modular class, David M. Edwards, shared a song with us that has helped me to rest in this waiting time... Here's a few lines from Make Your Home in Me...

I am poor and needy there’s no breath left in me.
Oh, I ask You, Holy Spirit, come fill my emptiness.
Blow away anything that stands in Your way...
...Make Your home in me...

© 2001 New Spring Publishing (ASCAP) / Nail Prince Music (ASCAP)

Admin. by Brentwood-Benson Music Publishing, Inc.  All Rights Reserved.

Calling

I believe in all that has never yet been spoken.
I want to free what waits within me
so that what no one has dared to wish for
may for once spring clear
without my contriving.

If this is arrogant, God, forgive me,
but this is what I need to say.

May what I do flow from me like a river,
no forcing and no holding back,
the way it is with children.

Then in these swelling and ebbing currents,
these deepening tides moving out, returning,
I will sing you as no one ever has,
streaming through widening channels
into the open sea.

Rainer Maria Rilke
Rilke's Book of Hours

Back to school

Sunset, Harbor Island, SC

It's sunset time for Academia... I'm back in the swing of my LAST semester of seminary. (Can I get an AMEN?) It's a good feeling and yet a bit surreal.

Before the semester gets going full blast, I finally finished writing the reflective essay that accompanies my CPE application. I think that if I were in my 20s instead of (ahem) something higher, it wouldn't have taken as long. There was a lot to write about! The ministry is my third "career" and degree program. All those years of thinking "women can't be pastors" really kinda mucked with my life journey. But in a way, it's all good. I've had some time to deal with junk in my life, see our girls through a lot of their school years, and take a wild faith journey. It was gratifying to re-think my spiritual and vocational journeys as I wrote my background essay.

I've gone back to Brennan Manning for my devotional reading (as well as reading through the NT letters) and am finishing up my re-read of The Ragamuffin Gospel. I truly love his writing. He and Anne Lamott and Henri Nouwen help me keep things real and fresh.

In today's reading I came across two quotes which were thought-provoking:

"When a tornado comes tearing down the street, it is not time to stop and smell the flowers. Let go of the good old days that never were -- a regimented church you never attended, traditional virtues you never practiced, legalistic obedience you never honored, and a sterile orthodoxy you never accepted. The old era is done. The decisive inbreak of God has happened." (page 110)

and

"Most of us postpone a decision hoping that Jesus will get weary of waiting and the inner voice of Truth will get laryngitis. Thus, the summons of the crisis parables remains suspended in a state of anxiety, so long as we opt neither for nor against the new dimension of living open to us. Our indecision creates more problems than it solves. Indecision means we stop growing for an indeterminate length of time; we get stuck. With the paralysis of analysis, the human spirit begins to shrivel. The conscious awareness of our resistance to grace and the refusal to allow God's love to make us who we really are brings a sense of oppression. Our lives become fragmented, inconsistent, lacking in harmony and out of sync. The worm turns. The felt security of staying in a familiar place vanishes. We are caught between a rock and a hard place. How do we resolve this conundrum? We don't. We cannot will ourselves to accept grace..." (page 113)

The first quote was just one of those obvious ones -- reminding me that a faith that matters is a faith that moves and deals with life in one of those "where the rubber meets the road" moments.

The second one is probably an encapsulation of the last few years while I've been in seminary. I've been pushed to leave some old, comfortable, well-established religious opinions and grind out some new ones. And where I can't find some way to articulate the changing aspects of faith, to be willing to not concretize something that is not yet fully formed. But in any case, to be willing to be UNstuck by letting God's irresistible love wash me onward.

Onward, kicking down the rubble, pulling out of the mud pits... here I go. Another year. Another reminder of God's faithfulness.

worth re-reading...

When I left full-time ministry when our first-born was a baby, one of the books that my Beloved Bearded Spouse gave me to read was Henri Nouwen's The Road to Daybreak. It is one of those books that I pull out from time to time to make sure that I have kept my "ministry compass" pointing north.

I re-read it recently and was amused to find this quote with the date of April 2006 - the month I found out that I was accepted into divinity school...

I feel a tension within me. I have only a limited number of years left for active ministry. Why not use them well? Yet one word spoken with a pure heart is worth thousands spoken in a state of spiritual turmoil. Time given to inner renewal is never wasted. God is not in a hurry.

There are zillion things (OK, maybe only half a zillion!) that I dream of being able to do for God as I finish my degree and begin working in ministry... and yet what is more important in the long run is the continued work of inner renewal in my heart.

I am grateful I serve a merciful, compassionate God!

Deb

A Church of Her Own

Over at RevGals this week there was a book discussion on Sarah Sentilles "A Church of Her Own." Not surprisingly, there were some pretty passionate responses. I understand where this emotion and frustration comes from, but I found Sentilles' work a bit over-the-top.

I am definitely among those who have seen the prejudice against women as leaders and pastors in larger evangelical churches. I'm in the nondenominational side of church life, more towards the conservative side (though I am proud to wear the label "progressive"!!) What I have seen is that in many of these churches, that the men are in positions which are "pastoral" and the women are in positions which are "directors" or "administrators" -- even though they are teaching, leading and caring for teams of volunteers, children, etc. Makes. me. nuts.

I am working very hard with my spiritual director to name prejudice for what it is, and then to proclaim God's forgiveness for my attitudes, and to extend God's forgiveness towards others. I guess I would like to see a more reconciling spirit in this book. Lord willing, perhaps my journey in this arena will be in a book which is written in that Spirit. It seems unnecessary to paint all churches and all male clergy with the same brush. It smacks of reverse discrimination.

On the positive side, here is something that I do agree with in her book: from Chapter Six on Language, page 129

"Seeing a woman in the pulpit not only brings us up against our implicit or explicit assumptions about the categories "minister" and "woman," it also challenges how we think about God."

further down...

"Most liturgical language refers to God as male - God is called 'He," "lord," "Father," "King" - and prayers in many churches use the pronoun "he" or the words "man" or mankind" to refer to human beings. When pressed proponents of this kind of male-only, exclusive language insist that "men" is a generic, gender-neutral term. ...Insisting that "men" means everyone is a kind of double-talk: "Men" means all of us, but only men can get ordained."

~ o ~

These quotes are just the tip of the iceberg. There is a problem with gender-inclusive language in some corners simply because God was always imaged as male to the patriarchal society. So what was historical context must continue as present-day context? I don't think so! That is simply bad hermeneutics! Sentilles does, to her credit, discuss some of the alternative namings of God but admits that liturgically that pesky ol' pronoun problem keeps creeping up.

One of the issues we wrestled with in Systematic Theology class was the issue of using the roles of God as names limits the infinity of God (God is not just Creator, Redeemer, Sustainer but is also Judge, Renewer, Savior, etc etc). We get into ontological problems in our desire to escape the limits of the English language.

As Sentilles points out, referring to God in male-only language has stifled the perceptions of us all in accepting that a woman can speak to/for God. In discussing this with my college student and her peers, this has become a bigger issue that I think we understand. They are not willing to tolerate invisibility or bias any more... I do pray that her generation will not be wrestling with the battles of insecurity and poor exegesis!

I'm choosing to stand firm, think positively for my daughters' generation, and to model acceptance and grace.

Deb

It is hard to believe that this happened in 2009...

A woman who is being installed as the pastor of a local church received a smack-down letter from another pastor in her town. (She is ELCA, he is Baptist.) The outright prejudice and gall of the other pastor is, well, appalling.

And I will just let you read it... here.

If you are so inclined, please leave her a love note. And pray that we will all live out Christ's command...

"A new command I give you: Love one another.
As I have loved you, so you must love one another.
By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."
John 13:34-35

Spiritual dusting

My morning Scripture readings are in The Message. I chose this paraphrase because so much of my school assignments and so on are done with either NASB (for technical analysis) or NIV (for preaching/teaching.) It seems that whenever I read devotionally in one of those versions, I get stuck in "divinity student mode." Devotionally, I need to be in "daughter of God" mode. (If you've been through the coursework, you know what I mean!)

Today as I read in 1 Timothy 4, I came across this...

Teach believers with your life: by word, by demeanor, by love, by faith, by integrity. Stay at your post reading Scripture, giving counsel, teaching. And that special gift of ministry you were given when the leaders of the church laid hands on you and prayed—keep that dusted off and in use.

Cultivate these things. Immerse yourself in them. The people will all see you mature right before their eyes! Keep a firm grasp on both your character and your teaching. Don't be diverted. Just keep at it. Both you and those who hear you will experience salvation. [The Message- 1 Timothy 4:12b-16]

One of the things that God consistently does is to bring me into situations where I have opportunity to "keep the dust off." I was reminded this last weekend how important it is to keep the spiritual gifts entrusted to me sharpened and at the ready. And even more important than that, to cultivate them in the people I pray for and lead.

When I am obedient, God does amazing things. It really is a matter of staying focused and not being diverted from what God asks me to do...

As I finish my education and go where God sends, I want to "keep the dust off"...

Remember what is most important...

I bought a little refrigerator magnet the other day. It is one of those little "by the check-out" kind of wee gifties that frequently catch our attention. I bought it just because its message is so perfect for my life right now...

Remember What Is Most Important...

It's not having everything go right;
it's facing whatever goes wrong.
It's not being without fear;
it's having the determination
to go on in spite of it.
Remember that every day ends
and brings a new tomorrow.
Love what you do,
do the best that you can,
and always remember
how much you are loved.
Vicki M. Worsham

Pretty good stuff! It ties in with my reading in 1 Timothy this week where Paul is exhorting those who are called to lead the Church to persevere and live out their callings to the best of their ability. It reminds me that I am asked to not just "do my best" but to present God's best to the people I meet every day.

Teach believers with your life: by word, by demeanor,
by love, by faith, by integrity. (I Timothy 4)

Now THAT'S really what is most important!

Deb

Strong Tea...

I have been trading emails back and forth with a friend, another woman pursuing God's call. She's also taking seminary classes, though not where I am a student.

Our conversation has been centering around this question of pursuit, and knowing that you know that you ARE called, ARE on God's path, ARE listening to God's direction for your life's work.

It's harder than it would seem. There is this defining moment where you KNOW that you KNOW. This is God's Call to ME.

Get busy. Go love my sheep.

But then there's the questions that pop us. Life situations stir up your angst. Time management and focus get trashed when you are busy pouring into folks with needs, and then you realize not only is your laundry not done, you've had frozen pizza or take-out Chinese for dinner again because you didn't remember to start dinner before 8 p.m. You miss a birthday, a celebration, an "event" that you wish you had time to go to, but you are behind schedule and will miss it... (because you were busy loving and caring for God's people...)

Then you serve on a ministry team and get, well, slammed. You don't dress correctly. Or you don't "act" like a pastor, whatever that means. You offer some well-intentioned advice to someone who comes to you for counsel, and get chewed out for butting in. And the people who seem to spend their waking hours letting you know that you shouldn't "be" a pastor because they believe that the ministry is limited to one gender? Let's not even go there...

Can we get delusional? Sure. But when I've been stubbornly choosing the stupid, God doesn't drop peace in my lap... What I have seen recently is that in spite of change, and the fear of my next steps of faith... there is still that peace. Huge. God-sized. PEACE.

And when it's hard, that's what I hang on to. And I keep steeping myself in God, in the places where God soaks into my heart. You know - the places that you say - WOW. Hi! :)

But it is not in God's nature to give the go-ahead for an obvious step towards ministry, and then slam the door shut.

HA!! PSYCH!! I didn't mean it!

That's not in character with the Shepherd that I want to emulate, the Leader I follow.

Sometimes, you pursue an open door because it's there. And you think, "well, God may not want me to do this, but I am at least going to pursue it." Sometimes you are being led, step by step, into a new ministry challenge, and you didn't see it coming. You're ready, deep down, to give it a go. God says "yes - GO!!" and yet there are doubts.

It's a bit like making strong tea. You let it sit. You wait. You watch. You stir. You wait a little longer. And the fine, strong flavor comes out. Tea. Not brown water. And it all starts by getting into hot water...

So here I am... cooling on the counter... learning, growing, waiting... wanting to be as strong as I can be. I don't manipulate or change the process, or pursue another path.

I'm meant to be strong tea. I trust the person who cooked this up... Because I'm not the One who made the plants to become... Strong tea.

Deb

Tim Hughes - Everything

You may not know this song, but it is among the ones on my playlist with "5 stars" because of its focus not on "me me me" but on "GOD GOD GOD". If you listen to comtemporary Christian music, you know what I mean...

Anyway, when Sarah read my post on "God be in..." she reminded me of this song. It's still very much the cry of my heart that I be WHERE and WHO God wants me to be. And when that means change, as much as it is hard, then that is what I will do.

GOD - BE MY EVERYTHING!!!

God be in

God be in my head, and in my understanding;
God be in mine eyes, and in my looking;
God be in my mouth, and in my speaking;
God be in my heart, and in my thinking;
God be at mine end, and at my departing.

Sarum Primer, 1558

Today I started the process of sorting, packing, finishing assignments, and handing over responsibilities as I prepare to leave one job and begin another later this summer. I was struck by the promise of this ancient hymn... not just in the present "end" and "departing" but the future "ultimate departure."

The process of change and movement into new roles and jobs is not easy, but it is clear that the opportunities ahead of me are with God's blessing and direction. I have mixed emotions, but the plus side of accepting a different kind of challenge is so huge. I really can't turn it down.

In the wake of preaching last week, several conversations have been peppered with questions:
Are you SURE you should stop working for our church? (I can't do both!)
Won't you miss preaching? (Ummmm.... 2 times a year is hard to "miss"... just about anywhere will give me more opportunity!)
Why are you REALLY leaving? (OK, Captain Obvious aside - what a nosy question! - it is clearly a great opportunity and I would be crazy to not take it on!)
What will you do after you graduate? ("no clue" about covers it!)

This church was my first "Call" and, as one friend puts it, you never forget your first church. I am in this for the long haul and I know that there is a place where for me -- where, God only knows.

And that really is OK.

Deb

I WILL NOT BE MOVED!

this song just kinda says it all...

Lyrics...

I have been a wayward child
I have acted out
I have questioned Sovereignty
And had my share of doubt
And though sometimes my prayers feel like
They're bouncing off the sky
The hand I hold won't let me go
And is the reason why

I will stumble
I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

Bitterness has plagued my heart
Many times before
My life has been like broken glass
And I have kept the score

Of all my shattered dreams and though it seemed
That i was too far gone
My brokenness helped me to see
It's grace I'm standing on

I will stumble
I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

All the chaos in my life
Has been a badge of war
And though I have been torn
I will not be moved
I will not be moved
I will not be moved
No

I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved
No

If you haven't failed...

This week has been hellish. Two situations in particular have been really hard.

One situation I handled with love and grace; the other is still slapping me around... Both because I am diligently, at times belligerently, pursuing God's Call on my life. As a mentor, pastor and friend once said, "If you can do anything else... go do it. If you can't, you know God's Call."

I am fortunate to have an amazing group of friends, family, and professors. They don't say things to encourage me because they "like" me -- they say them to remind me of God's hold on my life, to refine how I use God's gifts. In spite of their love and encouragement, occasionally I listen to "other" voices.

They distract.
Accuse.
Demean.
And their words hurt.

And I wonder... who am I? Why do I do this???

Then a friend posted this video and I cried...

And afterwards I found a video that always touches my Spirit...

I'm thankful for struggles, for successes, and especially... for failures.

And I'm not deterred from where God has called me.

Deb

She Speaks:

Like all dreamers I confuse disenchantment with truth.

Jean-Paul Sartre

I try not to "think too far ahead." I am afraid to dream, to look around the bend of "what's next."

I am someone who tries, but rarely balances, marriage, parenting, friends, family, seminary and pastoring. I work through scheduling snafus, wearing too many hats and never knowing if I've done enough. I get the subtle jibes for being a woman and a pastor.

I've worked jobs I despise to get experience in ministry and in churches, only to get pigeonholed in things that bore me to tears -- hospitality, databases, admin or children's ministry. I left behind music ministry when I got the not-so-subtle hints that I was aging-out of hipdom. Despite growing in my skills at teaching and preaching, despite hearing that I have gifts in speaking ministries, I am denied the pulpit.

Yet deep within, God has planted and nurtured a Call to go beyond the "ordinary" and fulfill a prophetic vision that I can scarcely bear to put into words.

My beloved often tells me that I need to take seriously the encouragement that I receive for not only my writing but my teaching/speaking. Truly, I'd like to. But because I've suffered under people with delusions of grandeur and the maxim "a little Greek is a dangerous thing," I frequently hesitate. That, and the constant awareness that being a "feminist" and a "biblical theologian" are antithetical in many a fundamentalist's mind. It makes me wonder if I can live up to the Calling that's before me.

However, this semester, after some concerted prayer with professors and fellow students who know me well, I'm prayerfully extending my wings. I'm networking, reading, and listening to people outside my usual sphere of contacts.

I'm allowing a fresh wind to sweep into my heart, and it's causing hope and joy to balloon up in ways that I've not felt in a long time.

A friend recently asked me, "what's holding you back?"
I cried. It's fear.

Fear that I will not represent the God I love in a way that is winsome and engaging to the people who need to meet God the most.
Fear that I am not able to handle the stress of moving into a new phase of public ministry.
Fear that I am going to be shot down, deflated yet again by people with their own agendas and ideas for my life.
Fear that I will not be present for my family when they need me.

I just heard about a conference that I am going to try to attend this summer. It's called She Speaks and it holds promise for women like me who are standing on the edge of their Calling and life purpose.

It's July 31-August 2 in Concord, NC. Financially, with summer school and The Harpist starting college in the fall, things are a little tight. One possibility is that by posting this story on my blog, I'll be one of the lucky ones who gets a scholarship.

Dare I dream that I'll get a scholarship? Or be one of the lucky ones who can get that final boost to launch?

She Speaks has seminars in speaking, teaching and writing. There are opportunities to listen, engage and imagine. Dare I dream?

If not this place, or this opportunity, then God knows where.

I am daring to dream. And to move forward into the places I hear God calling. I am not stepping back again.

Pray me through, will you?

Deb

Ashes...

Remember...
dust thou art...
to dust thou shalt return...

I helped with an Ash Wednesday service this evening. It was a gentle, thoughtful time of reflection and prayer. I'm really glad I was able to be a part of it.

You might be wondering... what? aren't you one of those non-liturgical pastors?

Well... I am. But I 'm not ANTI-liturgical.

I am serving right now in a church that uses elements and symbols that are familiar to churches all over Christendom (for instance, prayer, baptism and Communion) but one which does not have a written liturgy. I grew up in various flavors of Protestantism so it's not like I've never experienced this before. However, as a pastor it was a new experience to help lead an Ash Wednesday service.

A pastor friend cares for a trio of small churches in here in Maryland. She divides her time among them, listening, praying, and caring, and the services are scheduled between their buildings. Solo pastoring gets to be difficult, so she welcomes my help and is patient with my inexperience.

In the quiet, cold church, there was time to sit and think and pray about the past year, and the upcoming days of Lent before Easter. Today on Pray-as-you-go the music and text helped me reflect and repent. Return to the Lord your God. Return...

Ash Wednesday is an opportunity to start over. To go back to GO or to re-boot. It's human nature that either we are too afraid or too embarrassed to try again. And yet we're invited... Return to the Lord your God...

We used a simple exercise for their time of reflection. I brought bits of broken sea glass and watercolor markers. Those present were invited to think about ways they would like to make a change, or to tell God about something in their lives where they were ready to repent. They wrote something representing this change or area of repentance on the glass and when they were ready, walked to the front and dropped them in the baptismal font. The lovely visual reminder of sins being washed clean -- clean because of the cross -- happened before their eyes. Some were bemused and some were startled as they slipped back into their seats.

Later in the service they came forward for ashes, and again, a new experience "from the other side"... Remember... Dust thou art, to dust thou shalt return.

The words of Joel 2 came to me...

¹² "Even now," declares the LORD,
"return to me with all your heart,
with fasting and weeping and mourning."

¹³ Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the LORD your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
and he relents from sending calamity.

We are all broken people. The difference is that some of us have found a way to find healing, and hope -- when we return... with all our hearts. We walk about 364 days of the year with "clean" foreheads. Today, we had a visible smudge - one that God washes away.

thoughtfully...

deb

At the Foot of the Cross by Kathryn Scott

At the foot of the cross
Where grace and suffering meet
You have shown me Your love
Through the judgment You received

And You’ve won my heart
Yes You’ve won my heart
Now I can

Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross

At the foot of the cross
Where I am made complete
You have given me life
Through the death You bore for me

And You’ve won my heart
Yes You’ve won my heart
Now I can

Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross

I’m laying every burden down
I’m laying every burden down

words and music by Kathryn Scott
© 2003 Vertical Worship Songs/ASCAP

The deeper streams of life...

I have been trying to articulate this passion, this dream that I have. I hesitate to put it into words. I fear being misunderstood.

...will the people I work with now be insulted?
...will I misrepresent this nagging heartache that I believe is from God?
...do I overestimate my gifts and skills?
...can I fulfill whatever it is that God has in store for me?

I've written around the subject, hinted at it and even occasionally stumbled into some semblance of an opinion. The picture is still foggy, but the vision from God is there. Deep within me there is a longing for the "deep streams of faith." (I have no other words to describe it.) It's more than a program. It's "life together" with family that spans generations and experiences... and I want to be a part of that, lead it, pastor it, see God do it.

In moments of doing tedious work and bean-counting, it seems like I'm chasing rainbows.

Every month I get together with three other women pastors. We laugh, cry, challenge, commiserate, and share our hearts. They are precious gifts of God! Today at lunch they gave me another glimpse of that which is "within" -- what I don't yet know but sense is ahead. The reminders to believe, to look, to pray, to wait with joy. That I can do. Every now and then I "get a whiff" and it blows me away.

It's deeper, sweeter, stronger and fuller than I can know, ask or think.

In God's time... it will be.

I believe... Lord, get me ready.

Deb

Here's encouraging news...

As part of the "bubble" of "older" Americans (gee THANKS!) I find it invigorating that I am not obsolete. I have a voice and life experience that are needed. After being told (more than once) that I need to let "younger voices" speak, and being ignored in favor of younger (male) voices, I find that I have the God-given capacity to reach unchurched people who are in a lifestage past lattes and before Centrum Silver.

It's encouraging.
It's challenging.
It's why I'm still in seminary.
It's why my voice will not be silenced.
It's why I am losing patience with the last bastions of decision-makers who are not affirming of diversity in the Body of Christ.
It's why I am thinking I need to learn Spanish...

Read more about it HERE!

Deb

I BELIEVE...

I BELIEVE...
I am blessed to have a pretty amazing family.

I BELIEVE...
In the affirmation and encouragement of those who know and love God, and are committed to seeing me achieve my best.

I BELIEVE...
That the opposition I face is not a God-directed deterrent, but human-made interference with God's plans for my life.

I BELIEVE...
That there is a place to use my giftings and calling, and that God is not asking me to compromise my dreams and goals to be comfortable.

I BELIEVE...
That it is not what I DO, but what God DOES in spite of me.

I BELIEVE...
There are people who need a pastor who is a woman of God and who isn't afraid to be real.

I BELIEVE...
I am part of many men and women who will pastor "outside-the-box".

I BELIEVE...
That part of my calling is to tell the Adversary - "Don't mess with my sheep."

I BELIEVE...
that while there is no perfect church, there is a God who is.

I BELIEVE...
I am called to be a pastor for such a time as this.

peace-
Deb

[written for my spiritual formation notebook]