spinning my wheels...

I haven't gotten this balance between an honest self-appraisal and rating myself in the bottom ten of whatever I attempt. As I wrestle with this, you'll have to be patient with where I'm blogging from day to day. I know I seem to vascillate between "I AM all that and a bag of chips" and "I am a flippin' idiot." Not just in preaching, but in anything.

Healthy? Yes, when I can take myself less seriously and yet be serious about growing.
Unhealthy? Sure. Because I obsess and deal with perfectionist "tapes" in my head.

As I pray and think on this, I understand that the same drive to do it all "perfectly" is the same drive that causes me to self-destruct, or to not move at all in a fit of anxious "how-am-I-gonnas"...

Not stuck... just spinning my wheels on this...
Deb

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Now playing: Casting Crowns - And Now My Lifesong Sings
via FoxyTunes

Friday Five: The B-I-B-L-E

Mother Laura of RevGalBlogPals writes:

Does everyone remember the old Sunday School song?

The B-I-B-L-E,
Oh, that's the book for me.
I take my stand on the Word of God,
The B-I-B-L-E.

I have been working on an expansive language version of the Psalms and the Liturgy of the Hours/Divine Office/Breviary. (For you non-liturgical gals and pals, that's a set of prayers for morning, noon, evening, etc., mostly consisting of Psalms and other biblical texts).

So I have been thinking a lot about the Bible recently, and how we encounter it as God's Word--or don't--in our lives, prayer, and ministry. (Great minds think somewhat alike this week, as yesterday's Ask The Matriarch post dealt with ways to help as many people in a community as possible engage with a scriptural text in preparation for Sunday worship).

So, in that spirit, I offer my first Friday Five. I'm looking forward to hearing everyone's experience and reflection on these B-I-B-L-E questions:

1. What is your earliest memory of encountering a biblical text?
Probably Sunday School - and I don't know how old I was, or what the text was.

2. What is your favorite biblical translation, and why? (You might have a few for different purposes).
For study (as in analysis): New American Standard or New Revised Standard
For devotional times: New Living Translation or The Message
For teaching and preaching: It depends on how it is phrased, but either NIV, NLT Contemporary English, or The Message. Sometimes The Message is so "down-home" as to seem rude... and other times, it cuts to the chase.

3. What is your favorite book of the Bible? Your favorite verse/passage?
That is a very hard one... I love the Psalms. I even have begun to love the Post-Exilic Prophets after my (tough) seminary class on them last year. As a book, probably Hosea (though I have not ever wanted to name a child Gomer!!) My "life verses" are Psalm 40:1-3

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.

4. Which book of the Bible do you consider, in Luther's famous words about James, to be "an epistle of straw?" Which verse(s) make you want to scream?
I'm still in seminary. I plead the fifth.

5. Inclusive language in biblical translation and liturgical proclamation: for, against, or neutral?
In the words of a former President of the United States, it depends on your definition... "inclusive" where the words "man" or "he" are obviously intended for humanity vs. male gender, OK. If you are going to extend it to ridiculous limits then no. (...Such as one translation or liturgy that I read which named Mary as "the parent of Jesus" -- and no I don't remember where I read it...)

Bonus: Back to the Psalms--which one best speaks the prayer of your heart?
Psalm 62 [CEV]

Only God can save me, and I calmly wait for him.
God alone is the mighty rock that keeps me safe
and the fortress where I am secure.
I feel like a shaky fence or a sagging wall.

How long will all of you attack and assault me?
You want to bring me down from my place of honor.

You love to tell lies, and when your words are kind,
hatred hides in your heart.

Only God gives inward peace, and I depend on him.
God alone is the mighty rock that keeps me safe,
and he is the fortress where I feel secure.

God saves me and honors me.
He is that mighty rock where I find safety.

Trust God, my friends, and always tell him
each one of your concerns.
God is our place of safety.

We humans are only a breath;
none of us are truly great.
All of us together weigh less than a puff of air.

Don't trust in violence or depend on dishonesty
or rely on great wealth.

I heard God say two things:
"I am powerful,
and I am very kind."

The Lord rewards each of us according to what we do.

That's it for me...
Deb

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Now playing: Pat Metheny & Lyle Mays - Estupenda Graca
via FoxyTunes

Take a survey???

Hey friends,

At the The Scroll the blog for Christians for Biblical Equality, there is a request for help on a survey:

CBE was recently contacted by a doctor of ministry student named Barb from Langley, BC, conducting a survey among Christians who have recovered from experiences of emotional and spiritual distress under authoritarian and controlling church leaders. The results of her survey will provide her with a critical piece of research and will help her on her way to the completion of her dissertation.

There's more from this blog - check it out and see if you are someone who would like to take part.

Deb

Lay it all down

What is holding you back?

That question, asked by one of my classmates today, caught me off guard. Today I did my student sermon in class. I thought I was being demonstrative. Declarative. Proclamative. Apparently not.

My raised eyebrows must have been a question mark for the words I didn't say.

I know you - I know your passion. I didn't see as much of it as I wanted. You've got a fire. Let it show!

I have to ponder this one... because he was right. I was holding back. Why? I don't know.

Certainly stage fright is a part of it. Certainly the time constraint and the design requirements were as well. And certainly the power and drive I wanted to give my words did not come through.

I am frustrated and disappointed. It was my third time out (officially) in a "preaching" setting. The things I want to do for God, I dream of doing... the power of the Word He pours into me... weren't there.

I am feeling defeated and a bit deflated. Maybe this isn't for me, I thought. Maybe I am not hearing God on this one. Just as quickly back, deep in my soul, comes a response.

NO. You are a student. Learn. Revise. Refresh. Re-evaluate. Persevere. Listen. Absorb. Practice. Live it.

:deep breath:

OK, Lord... here we go again. I'll keep at it until you say "stop"...

I really do want to burn it all up. Lay it all down. Hold nothing back.

Help me, Lord.

Deb

Poetry Challenge:

Christine at Abbey of the Arts writes:

Welcome to our Poetry Party No. 5. These are posted every other Monday. I select an image and suggest a title and invite you to respond with your poems, words, reflections, quotes, song lyrics, etc. Leave them in the comments and I’ll add them to the body of the post as they come in along with a link back to your blog if you have one (not required to participate!) I’ll add your contributions all week and then I will draw a name on Friday again from everyone who participates and send the winner a copy of Praying With the Elements.

Feel free to post the poem along with my image below on your blog with a link back to this post. Invite your readers to come join the party too. Community poetry is wonderful!

Under God's wings

rest, little one, rest
you are safe
you are loved
you are sheltered

I shall find rest

dream, little one, dream
fly high
fly free
fly strong

Until I shall land

homeward fly
see my love
beckoning
beaconing
calling

In a nest of love and peace.

Deb Vaughn
October, 2007

questions

...is this all a pipe dream?
...am I going to suck?
...why can I not get out on paper what I am feeling and thinking?
...is what I want to say even going to make sense?
...will someone suck at this more than I will?
...can I just skip to Saturday and have it be over?

still plodding along...

deb

ruminating

Last week at the staff retreat (the one where I got my act together for my high wire stunt) we poked a lot of fun at old songs, particularly the sappy Christian variety. It's not hard to do, especially when the first hippie Jesus music was so terrible! (And if you are thoughtful and careful in your analysis, there's a whole lotta bad stuff out there today... but I digress!) I was amazed at how much of the really bad music and lyrics I could remember (complete with harmonies and accompaniment!) It's like all of the grunge is embedded in my brain.

I'm digging into some research this afternoon now that class is out (10 minutes early WOOOO HOOOOOO!) and finding that it is hard to get old songs or old "tapes" of any kind out of my head.

I have a million ideas and concepts and they are not jelling into something that is "from God to me to you." I'm trying not to stew. But since I could be doing this "sermon" as early as Wednesday after lunch, it's a bit of a pressure point. And then there's my prejudice against this kind of dry bones stuff.

"Expository" preaching has been in my past experience a totally dry, tedious exercise in hearing someone's regurgitated knowledge of Greek or Hebrew. Instead of drawing out the meaning of the text, it shut down the brain of the listeners. I know that's not the point of the "expository" exercise I am working on right now. But I have to shut off years of dry and dusty to bring about the fresh, ENLIVENED, preaching that I so desperately want to give as God gives it. The preaching that brings change. That brings LIFE. (not snores)

I hear this kind of "good stuff" every week at church (the life-giving stuff, not the snores!) I want to emulate it. More than that, I want what I preach to be deeply ingrained and shown clearly in my own life.

So I'm not there yet. That's today's report. The sermon is still "veiled" but I see some glimpses of the good stuff... (can you see that I am working on 2 Cor 3??)

OK - back to work - library is only open until 6!

Deb

back at school...

This week I am at modular week. This is the week I preach a student sermon and participate in who knows what else (usually there is some "group learning experience" during our class time which is also part of the fun.)

So... if I don't blog much, you'll know I am busy. And if I DO blog a lot, it's because my mind is overstuffed and something has to escape that doesn't need a Turabian footnote. Or that doesn't have to be capsulized in "3 points, a poem and a prayer..."

I am still pondering the final bits of a paper (almost ready to upload) and I'm polishing a student sermon. The sermon is far from complete. Lots of ideas, and nothing is jelling.

It would be great to have a mind meld with God at the moment. Since that's not happening it's time to get back to work.

Love to all my peeps...

Deb

Arrrrrgggghhhh!

In a fit of brainless preoccupation, I misplaced my keys. I know where I last used them (I locked the car) but I don't know why they didn't make it in to the office from the church parking lot.

I figure someone in the building picked them up (it's a rental space and there are other tenants.) But they have yet to surface, and they have BOTH car keys, house keys, and miscellaneous other important key chain "cards" to grocery stores, etc.

Drummer Dude rescued me and drove me home to get my spouse's set of my keys, then drove me back to the office.

Beloved Bearded Spouse is annoyed. Let's just say I'm not in the best of moods either.

Deb


==================== UPDATE!!! =============

The keys were returned. They are in the church office waiting for me. They were taken home for a visit with someone else in the building who kept them safe for me. I am relieved. VERY relieved! :) The plan is to get them tomorrow when I go in to do some prep for rehearsal!

I laughed out loud during my QT this morning when I read in James 1:

"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way." [The Message]

You know what??? This is SMALL potatoes. NOT that hairy a deal. One of those little annoyances, self-inflicted things, that make you want to throw things. But in the end? Eh. I raised my blood pressure for THAT???

humbly and thoughtfully...
d

This is your life...

Oh my. Those of you who know me well might be surprised by this post.

I did something yesterday that I promise you I had not envisioned I would EVER EVER try doing again.

I went on a high ropes challenge course at our staff retreat. I did not have to do it. But I decided to give it my best shot. A leap of faith (well sort of - attached by safety gear... but you know what I mean...)

Here we are, pre-ropes course. Note the brave FAKE smile...

I am going to do WHAT? Go HOW high?

Mental comments unprintable...

Being bolstered by one of my mentors.

Moving from platform to platform... AROUND a tree. A big tree. A very tall tree. And then onto one of the scarier parts, a sort of V-shaped bridge.

A visual definition of the phrase: unmitigated terror

And then... the only way down.

I have bruises and a few scrapes. I also have muscles that are convinced that I was beyond crazy. But as crazy as this sounds, if I were asked to do it again to bolster a team member who said, "I can't!" then I would try.

I think...

Deb

P.S. Appropriate song playing!!!

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose?
Don’t close your eyes...

This is your life are you who you want to be?

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Now playing: Switchfoot - This Is Your Life
via FoxyTunes