Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Deflated

The last week has been very VERY emo for me. I admit it.

Coming out of this pothole in the journey has left me drained, and curiously, grateful that I don't live here any more. At least, not on a regular basis.

A sign, perhaps, of how I am changing or have changed. And a reminder that I have learned enough to choose to live my life with a little more balance!!!

Is everything in my life resolved the way I personally would like it? And have I figured out where the "triggers" are that sent me into this? No and no...

However... I am learning a little in the process...

  • I understand more of the "exhaustion factor" when I am living in a highly emotional, anxious state. Geesh. Takes a whole lot of energy. More than I have to spare. (Or maybe I am getting old??)
  • Who I chose to listen to affects my perception and understanding of the conflict I am in. There are people in my life who are not good for me to hang with and get their viewpoint. Theirs is so messed up that I don't perceive it. I supposed that should be a big DUH moment. But when I am that moment, I don't get it. At least not right away. I must -- MUST -- listen to "The Voice of Truth."
But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
you'll never win."
"But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story,
The Voice of Truth says 'do not be afraid'!
The Voice of Truth says 'this is for my glory.'
Out of all the voices calling out to me...
I will choose to listen and believe
the Voice of Truth..."
[Casting Crowns]

I have turned my head in a new direction. It is not easy. But it is essential. The kind of negative, anxiety-producing, self-critical mindset I was in was just NOT from God. And it had me in a tailspin!

Yeah. I am in "Remedial Emotional Processing" this week. It's not all bad. In fact, realizing I need it has been very good for me.

Now the other stuff? The pea-heads who have been throwing rocks at my armor and dissing my Call? I just handed them over to God. I can not worry about them now. There's too much to do for God's Sake!

Just mumbling on the journey...
Deb
=====
Edited to add the rest of the words from the chorus of "Voice of Truth" because it seemed important...

9 comments:

Sarah said...

MWAH! The really good thing about stuff like this that we go through is that if we're open enough to the Spirit, we can come out on the other end with a TON more perspective, a little necessary encouragement, and more knowledge of who we are as children of God. Next time you'll be better equipt to stand up against the pressures and emotional stress.

LOVE YOU!

Princess of Everything (and then some) said...

Oh wow! Again, such power in your words. More than you can know!

Presbyterian Gal said...

It took me just forever to realize that my own "headaches" came from hitting myself in the head with a hammer. Then it took a bit longer after that to learn how to stop.

Mr ReRe said...

All I need to say is "YOU ROCK!" All caps plus an exclamation point. People that don't get that or who choose to question or debate your rocktivity should be unequivocally dismissed as idiots. End of story.

Sally said...

excellent post Deb- prayers for the continued journey...

mompriest said...

Deb, there is something about the "process" toward ordination that isi fraught with challenges. Some one said to me in my process (which had a major "hiccup" that lasted six months and prevented me from knowing where to live or find a job)....anyway, someone said that when we are doing the work of God evil will try to get in the way and stop God's work from happening.

These challenges you face may be that. And in response one continues to offer prayer, due diligence, faith, and trust in the Holy Spirit - she works, and her power overcomes everything, in time.

Oh. And I think it helps to have some safe places to vent and say what's really on your mind. You know, the stuff you just need to purge your mind of, angry, hurt, *%#@*&!! stuff, kinda like when the flu makes you purge the toxins in your body...because sometimes you just have to say it to get rid of it and move into a better place. Do you know what I mean?

Jan said...

Sounds like you are aware of a lot of stuff going on in you. Good work!

Deb said...

One stutter step at a time ... I am getting pieces figured out. And then not...

You get to read the "well duh" moments... and those of you who live nearer get to wade through until I am finally seeing them.

sigh

Deb said...

Mompriest and Presbygal --
wow. yes. I hear you. And I will try to remember to let out the #)$*%(*#$# sooner -- or at least try to get to the source of the stink, instead of believing the "little foxes in the grapes"...

phooey.

d