Today's Heart Song

Naomi and Bill sang it before Communion this morning...
It was incredibly moving and touched me.
Sometimes a song hits me when my head can't connect with the Truth.
Anyway, it's where I'm living.

I know I am fully forgiven, totally loved. But there are times I have trouble remembering that.
It's just an honest reflection, probably because I have started reading in Exodus... and I know we are building up to the first Passover... to the next mile marker towards the ultimate Paschal Lamb.

There are times I feel very unworthy of such infinite love. I get convinced I have to "DO" something to deserve it, or that God will smite me for my sinfulness.

Hildegard of Bingen wrote:
All of you people who were born and cleansed through God's wisdom, hear what I, the radiant light and Creator of all of you, have to say to you, You were planted in My heart at daybreak on the first day of creation.
from Letter to Christian Laypeople

This is not that great a mystery to me.

It's the issues of "performance anxiety" and "control freak" coming to smack me in my egalitarian caboose. For some reason, I think that I must flog myself for being who I am... this imperfect, idealistic, passionate, musical, creative, driven woman of God. Do I think that my imperfection is some kind of surprise to the Almighty? The One who created me - wackiness and all - surely knows and understands the reasons why I follow this misguided logic and hogtie myself!

I think I can not change or that I have "plucked God's last nerve" because of how I stumble with the same issues. I know that I struggle with a lie straight from the pit... and when I heard this song, it just brought me such an overwhelming feeling of love and peace...

East is from the West
Casting Crowns

Here I am Lord and I'm drowning
In Your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight

I know You've cast my sins as far
As the East is from the West
And I stand before You now
As though I've never sinned but today
I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the East is from the West
'Cause I can't bear to see the woman I've been
come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far
the East is from the West...
from one scarred hand to the other...

I start the day the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again
Your truth Is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel
But by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You
But You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

Jesus, can You show me just how far the East is from the West
'Cause I can't bear to see the woman I've been
come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far
the East is from the West...
from one scarred hand to the other...

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P.S. Here's the embedded video... (direct link is here...)