It worked.

OK. I am.

Out of sorts

I have not been a joyous bundle of perky petunias to live with today...
I am tired.
And feeling very allergic.
And tired of feeling tired and allergic.
And managed to take out my general demeanor on some lovely, kind friends... (sorry friends...)

I am sure there are other things adding to my general mood and displeasure. SOooo if you were around me today, I apologize for having been a bit.....

















Grumble...

deb

Hurting

St. Casserole wrote something that spoke to my heart. I kinda had my feelings trampled on today. I am not flattened, really, just hurt.

Turns out someone I thought was a close friend, isn't really, if it doesn't suit her purposes. Or if I have a differing opinion (which, gosh geewhillikers... this brain of mine DOES have from time to time...)

I should have seen the signs. I didn't.

I could have been more confrontational or ask a leading question to get a straight answer. I was afraid.

I know what I have to do...

I choose to love.

I choose not to take the road of self-deceptive "I'm OK, really."
(When I am not.)

I choose to believe that this, too, is God's Hand,
directing and protecting me.

I choose to claim the words of Psalm 40:5

Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders You have done.
The things You planned for us
no one can recount to You;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.

And now,
I choose to go to sleep...

Deb

Phished!

I don't even know how it happened.

Some jerk phished my account and tried to sucker us out of over $2000 in less than 24 hours!

Fortunately, I check my on-line accounts FREQUENTLY and carefully, so I caught it quickly. But I feel violated. As well as vulnerable and pissed off.

I am very VERY careful with how I use my card. I don't use web sites that don't have high security. When possible, I use PayPal or another means of payment where my information is secure.

It was not even easy to get through to my bank. I sat through endless "automated messaging systems" and playing "phone bingo" with customer service for about 20 minutes. Finally a live human being!!! I found out from my bank that there were 20 more "requests" in the queue.

The friendly guy in the fraud department told me that it could have come any number of places where you would think it is secure.
...at a restaurant where the server takes your card (and takes a picture of it with a cell phone camera, both sides.)
...at a gas station
...at a store or vendor of any kind where they stop and look at the back of the card for your signature

SO yeah.

I've changed my on-line passwords (which was a royal pain!)
I've checked to be sure my anti-virus and anti-spyware programs are up-to-date.

Like Sgt. Phil used to say, "be careful out there!" (10 bonus points if you know the show that quote is from... if you DARE to admit your age!!!)

Deb

Hisappointment

I have been having a sit-down, face-to-face session this afternoon with God. It has not been fun. In fact, I am a mix of a little mad, a little sad and very confused. I'm disappointed about some events that, at the moment, I can't change. He knows I've tried.

Now it's just tears. Grumbling. Trying to believe and listen. And being honest emotionally with God about it all.

And, I figure, if you read this blog at all, I should be honest with you. Because right now, I'm not some smiling Jesus lover. I'm hurt and mad... and trying to keep my head up while I wait on God for HIS timing and HIS direction.

It sucketh mightily...

This song by Phil Keaggy came to mind. So... you get a photo essay of my heart condition.

Real. Honest. Raw. But still one of faith.

That's life...

Deb


DISAPPOINTMENT (from "Love Broke Thru")

Disappointment - His appointment,
Change one letter, then I see
That the thwarting of my purpose
Is God's better choice for me.

His appointment must be blessing
Though it may come in disguise
For the end from the beginning,
Open to His wisdom lies.

Disappointment - His appointment
Whose? The Lord's who loves best.
Understands and knows me fully,
Who my faith and love would test.

For like loving, earthy parent
He rejoices when He knows
That His child accepts unquestioned
All that from His wisdom flows.

Disappointment - His appointment
No good thing will He withhold
From denials oft we gather
Treasures from His love untold.

Well, He knows each broken purpose
Leads to fuller deeper trust
And the end of all His dealings
Proves our God is wise and just.

Disappointment - His appointment
Lord I take it then as such,
Like the clay in hands of potter
Yielding wholly to Thy touch

All my life's plan is Thy molding
Not one single choice be mine
Let me answer unrepining,
Father, not my will but Thine.

lyrics: an original poem by Edith Lillian Young
music: Phil Keaggy

Cat Hork

It's still in a pile by the door.

I am confident that 3 other people in the house have noticed it, because they all knew it was there before I did. In fact, they each TOLD me it was there. One. by. one.

Guess what? I am not going to clean it up this time...

Call me tired, or cranky, or just checked out for the night. But don't call and tell me there's cat hork on the floor.

:grumble:

d

hitting a wall...

I know it's late, but I'm hitting the wall in a
BIG way tonight.

I have a sermon due on Malachi (my choice of pericope) the day after research paper #2 is due, and the day before my outline for research paper #3 is due... so I thought I would just knock it out and get it done.

Ha.
Ha.
Ha.

This sermon is just not writing itself in the stilted
style of academia that the prof wants...
I don't have any pictures, images,
or even "heart words"
to get me started...

I've prayed.
Left it and come back to it.
Read it aloud in a couple of versions.
Even tried an impromptu singing of it...
(yeah, THAT was pretty... the cat left the room...)

This paper is very blank...
VERY blank.

I'm done whining. I think "bed" is the best prescription for this.

Maybe I'll get an idea... in my dreams...

Deb

Dirty Little Secret...

Let me know that I've done wrong
When I've known this all along
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you
[The All-American Rejects]

Here's reality. I have a dirty little secret. I am confused. And I am too touchy-feely and my feelings get hurt. And I'm judgmental, too...

Having said all this, being honest and desiring to be more "salty," it's also time to get over it.

I am human. Very human. I process things with my feelings, not a flow chart, or a decision tree, or clear-cut reasoning. That pesky "F" part of my Myers-Briggs gets in the way of rational "what were you thinking???" reasoning. I am better at this than I was, oh, 20 years ago. But it's still kinda sucky.

Do I really want to go there? Not now. Not really.

And sometimes? Yeah. Life is just kinda sucky.

That's my gut response and I'm working through it... You're just along for the ride, I guess.

Deb