Dear Mom...

Dear Mom...

Happy Birthday!

I won't tell everyone how old you are. (For once, I'll behave.) I wanted to thank you for all you've done for your family.

You've answered our questions...


Exposed us to new places and new ideas...


Had a loving, long-lived, committed marriage...



Loved your children and grandchildren...


Tried new things...



Enjoyed life and living with humor and grace...



And encouraged us to do the same...

Thanks, Mom.

I love you!

Back-to-School

Our kids started back to school today. They got out the door on time to make the bus (at least I think so... the schools haven't called us to tell us they are truant!) I remembered to go to the schools and drop off their "controlled medications" (aka Tylenol!) to the Health Room.

In my inbox this morning was the annual list from Beloit College on the class of 2011 (the present crop of 18 year olds.) They listed 70 things... I've culled out the ones that struck me. (The complete list is here.)

Most of the students entering College this fall, members of the Class of 2011, were born in 1989. For them, Alvin Ailey, Andrei Sakharov, Huey Newton, Emperor Hirohito, Ted Bundy, Abbie Hoffman, and Don the Beachcomber have always been dead.

#1. What Berlin wall? No, it never existed. But they know about it.

#3. Rush Limbaugh and the “Dittoheads” have always been lambasting liberals. hmmm... no comment.

#4. They never “rolled down” a car window. I hadn't thought about that one!

#7. They have grown up with bottled water. Yeah. Well, since the school drinking fountains are shut down because of lead in the water, I don't mind sending bottled water to school!

#11. Rap music has always been mainstream. Um... not in my river. But OK.

#35. Stadiums, rock tours and sporting events have always had corporate names. Huh. Yeah. Consider this: "Value City Arena at the Jerome Schottenstein Center" on the campus of Ohio State.

#64. Chavez has nothing to do with iceberg lettuce and everything to do with oil. Funny one.

#68. Burma has always been Myanmar. And my spell-checker STILL suggests I spell it "Mylar."

Great commentary on culture and the future of the church...

Deb

Shameless self-advertisement...

Last year I was "interviewed" (via email) for an article that was written for the magazine E-Quality (published by Christians for Biblical Equality.) The article was on egalitarian Christian marriages and parenting. My cyber-friend Kathy Nesper (whom I actually have met IRL) wrote it... and you can find it HERE!

Now you'll see how radical I really am. :)

Deb

One Chick is Flying...

WARNING... Sentimental Mommy Alert...

In the Land of Big Deals, this isn't one. Except to us. Or maybe just to me...

The Harpist is off to a week at Kentucky Christian University for a youth conference. (The harps stayed home this time!) The realization that she will be leaving for college in two years is there in the back of my mind.

I know she will have fun. I know she will make friends and learn a lot. She is more than capable of handling things, even at sweet 16... and I am looking forward to a week alone with Reedy Girl... but...

sigh...

I'm such a strange mom. I love having my kids home for the summer. Both of them.

Deb

in the "want to smack someone silly" department...

I am supposed to feel sorry for this Virginia mother because she was convicted of serving alcohol to minors at her son's sixteenth birthday party. She has spent the last three years trying to get her conviction overturned, and appealing to the public for sympathy.

WHY would anyone supply alcohol to teenagers?

Her rationale was, apparently, that "they were going to drink anyway" so she purchased $340 worth of beer and wine for 30 high school guests. She made them promise that they would not drink and drive but that they would spend the night.

When a neighbor reported underage drinking and the police appeared, the kids yelled "cops!" and scattered into the woods. Most were rounded up.

This mom asked kids to lie, to cover up the event, and was initially denying everything. However, as the Breathalyzer tests came out positive, and the other parents reacted with anger, she was arrested, tried and convicted, and got the maximum sentence of 27 months in prison.

Now she admits she "made a mistake" and wants to have her sentence reduced or dismissed. Rarely are sentences of this length ordered, but the sentiments against teen drinking have grown in the last several years. She feels that she has been "victimized" in all of this, and her kids are embarrassed.

To which I say, I'm sorry. But I'm glad.

You see, here in our area alone...
...a teen was killed recently because the driver in her car ran a red light.
...a cyclist was paralyzed because a drunk driver could not keep his car on the road.
...a group of seniors were suspended from school because they were drunk for their senior class picture and failed Breathalyzer tests.

In every case, the person driving under the influence was underage. Someone, somewhere provided (or sold) the drivers the drugs and/or alcohol which led to these accidents.

It is not easy parenting teens. I want my kids to have friends, and to have fun. Legally. Which means that, no, I will not let them have a party unchaperoned.
And no, I will not serve alcohol, or even have it in an area of the house where the teens will be.
And no, there will not be a co-ed sleepover.

This mom, like many who want to be "the fun mom," went too far. She stopped being a parent and tried to be a buddy to her children. It's a fine line.

My kids know I love them. They have experienced my somewhat off-beat sense of humor, and we do have a lot of fun together. But they know I am their MOM first, and always will be.

Twenty-seven months is a long time in a parent's life. I do hope that she and her kids hang in there through this experience, and that her children will not make the same mistake when they are parents...

I don't feel sorry for this mom. I feel sad for her. And for her kids...

I will make plenty of mistakes as a parent. But this is one that I hope I will be able to avoid...

Deb

Prayer for Childbirth

Something truly wonderful to pray for... a safe birthing experience - for every mother, for every child on the planet.

This is important, even if you aren't female, pregnant, or a parent, because as Jennifer VanderLaan points out at Birthing Naturally "we are all born!"

So in honor of a truly HAPPY mother's day... Check out their information on a Global Day of Prayer for Childbirth, planned for July 7, 2007.

I'll blog more about this later...

Deb

So, like, where do you shop?

There is a trend I really really dislike among some teen girls, and it is probably one that many parents dislike. I keep reinforcing my distaste for it with my daughters. (And so far... so good... They hear me and agree!)

It is this idea that it is more important to be "cool" or "phat" which is judged by the way you dress, the amount of make-up you wear, how many boyfriends you have had, what you do with your hair, what kind of jewelry you wear, etc...

Have we really made so little of a change in a generation? It frustrates me to hear that my wonderful daughters are going through the same pysche junk that I did. I have too many memories of Patti and Cheryl and good-old-what's-her-name who tormented me with their rude and truly nasty remarks when I was in high school. (The good news? They probably have cellulite now too! Time IS a great equalizer!)

I hurt for the adolescent girlie "nasties" that every female seems to have to experience... and yes, the Mama Bear in me wanted to get on the phone and give their parents a piece of my mind... but since I have so little to spare, I prayed instead. And hugged my girls. And told them I loved them.

However, this afternoon, as I read the paper in my after-service wind-down, I had to do a WHOOP and a happy dance over this op-ed piece!!!! It makes a Mama Bear really happy!

Hey Jessica? You rock!

SO, like, where do you shop?

Um... yeah. WhatEVER!

Deb


Young, Female and Taking a Stand Against Provocative Fashion

Washington Post, Sunday, March 25, 2007; Page B08

"Why am I not accepted by you?" I recall asking the beautiful, blonde future cheerleader as we walked toward our rural-suburban sixth-grade classroom in 1997.

"You don't wear the right clothes, hang out with the right people, wear makeup or have a boyfriend," I remember her responding thoughtfully.

At that moment, I faced a dilemma that would affect the rest of my life: Would I choose to abandon my friends and clothing and acquire a boyfriend and makeup skills to become popular, or would I stay on the course I was on?

My feminine heart longed to be accepted, to be considered pretty and fashionable. But what was I willing to sacrifice to obtain it? Even at 12, I sensed that if I took the advice implied by my classmate's answer I would be allowing my identity to be dictated by others from then on. Everything within me rebelled at saying goodbye to who I was. So I made my choice: I wouldn't pursue the criteria that would open the doors of popularity.

For the next seven years, until I graduated from high school, I watched as friends and classmates grew more obsessed with becoming what in the 1990s was called the "It" girl. We all knew -- from magazines, TV and societal mores -- that to be accepted one had to be hot. This meant wearing the latest fashions, designed for model-thin people and showcasing as many curves as possible. It meant going to parties where one rebelled, along with everyone else, against adult restrictions and where one hoped to be recognized by the girls as having "it" together and by the guys as being sexy. To attain this status, girls did the usual: starved themselves, dressed "fashionably" and gossiped incessantly to establish themselves and, with calculated innocence, to rip other girls to shreds.

I was reminded of all of this by an article in The Post's Health section last month, "Goodbye to Girlhood; As Pop Culture Targets Ever Younger Girls, Psychologists Worry About a Premature Focus on Sex and Appearance."

It is incredibly difficult for any girl or young woman to withstand the continual onslaught. I know it was for me. In the end, I was able not only to survive but to thrive in this environment because of my parents, my faith and my life experiences.

My parents' love and support were unfailing. They were there when I came home in tears because the pressures of being a teenage girl were too much; they were there when I needed to share news of something wonderful.

My faith enabled me to ground my self-worth in who I was as a person, not in what I could do or become.

And I was fortunate to learn from several guys' own lips that they valued modesty in women and admired those who had interior as well as exterior beauty. It took years, but eventually I internalized the reality that women's clothes send a message to the world and that if we want to be treated as people and not as objects, our clothes and body language must project true beauty -- dignity and quiet confidence accented, of course, by the latest clothing and accessories.

Now, as a twentysomething grad student at the John Paul II Institute for Studies on Marriage and Family at Catholic University, I still grapple with the issues raised by that childhood conversation, albeit with a more academic approach. Such studies have allowed me to realize how similar my experiences have been to those of many other women.

As a result, I have gotten involved with Pure Fashion DC, a nonprofit model-training program that seeks to inspire high-school-age girls to be role models as well as fashion models. We regularly meet with our 46 models, who hail from all over the Washington area, to discuss inner beauty (on, say, getaway weekend) and outer beauty (on salon day). Our time together will culminate in a three-hour fashion show April 29 at the Grand Hyatt Hotel in downtown Washington, where our models will showcase this year's fashions with grace and modesty.

Whether it's over coffee, at a Pure Fashion DC event, in a conference room or at a pajama party, I share my experiences with young women and girls to encourage them to send a message of true beauty with their bodies and their clothing.

-- Jessica A. Dolezal

Silver Spring

The writer volunteers with Pure Fashion DC, a model-training program that stresses modesty.

Modesty or Prudery? Survey says...

I just surfed over to Emergent Women to catch up on posts. I have a slow morning as I wait for the Help Desk to call me back on why my computer is not connecting with the on-line articles I need....

ANYWAY...

From a post on Emergent Women, I went to the Modesty Survey site to read up on it. As they suggested, I considered the questions, the responses and used their "filter" to see what the three different groups of guys (homeschooled, private schooled, public schooled) said in their answers. To be fair, let me post a couple of paragraphs from their overview

The Modesty Survey was not intended to serve as a scientific measurement of what the average man thinks about modesty. In the strictest sense, it isn't a survey, but a discussion between Christian guys and girls who care about modesty. Over 200 Christian girls submitted their questions. In less than twenty days, over 1,600 Christian guys (12 and up) responded. Close to 200,000 separate pieces of data were collected, including 25,000 text responses.

The honest truth is this: We're not telling you what to wear -- we're just telling you what makes us stumble. It is God's Word, your own heart and conscience, and your parents and godly friends who should help you decide what to do about it. But, to help you reach your own conclusions we've provided some excellent resources that strike a balanced, non-legalistic tone.

This all sounds good. My husband and I do care that my girls are not raised to be 3-D boy-magnets. (I blogged about it here.) We do care that they show a positive testimony for Christ in their schools and community. We want to spare them from some of the emotional harm that comes from being used because of their sexuality. We want them to be WOMEN in every sense of the word when they grow up, not neutered cowering things. If Eve was "very good" then hey - let's be "VERY" much that!

I think what was the hardest to deal with in the survey was that (a) there is no information on HOW these men and boys were recruited to answer the questions. and (b) there is no comparable information in a secular study. (If you are working on your dissertation, here's a great topic for ya!) It is a hazard of having training in research and design. They admit it is not scientific. Yet for the results to have any validity, (and believe me, they are pushing the results!) there needs to be more accountability. A big glossy website with bells and whistles has been set up. WHY? I want more details than they are publishing. I wonder at the demographics (more than a map of where they came from... I want denominational backgrounds, how they were recruited, who funded it, yada, yada...)

But the problem goes deeper than this. While there were comments that addressed the boy's and men's part of the issues, (the comments are worth reading by the way), there was little content that suggested that any of this was a dual responsibility. There was the disclaimer ("We're not telling you what to wear...") One came away with the thought that it was all a female's fault if a guy had "thought life" issues because of what she might wear. I just don't buy that.

Of all of the words that gets tossed about and the most misunderstood, it's "modesty" -- which is not a synonym with "prudery." Learning modesty is part of the process of learning to control our thoughts, feelings, emotions and actions. It is not just what clothes go on our body. It is also more than words.

I understand that immature males have "sight" issues. I know that men are aroused visually. But unless it is your spouse, it is sin. And yes, a female who dresses to provoke sexual thoughts and feelings is guilty of enticement. But the average, every-day female athlete who bounces by is not. And neither are girls with curves, or long legs, or shirts with designs on the chest.

I don't think this "survey" is doing Christ-followers any favors. I fear for the "see-I-told-you-so" chauvenists who will print out the results and wave them at the women in their congregations, cowing them and shaming them... I shudder at bit at the crass marketing promo materials one can download and a sample "email" as an "Excited" Friend! (Check it out HERE!)

Instead of doing the blame or shame game, how about looking at the men you disciple and say, "these are your co-heirs in Christ - look at them and treat them that way." And to both "Go and sin no more!"

It is time we stopped looking at each other as potential sex partners and starting honoring the Life, the Spirit who is housed in the Temple of the human body...

Just from where I sit...and pray...
Deb

Hmmm file...

I'm not blaming any relationship mistakes I've made on my parents... in fact, I am grateful for the secure start in life they gave me. But I really liked this article in the Washington Post this morning. Among other things, it reminded me that soothing a crying infant instead of letting them "cry it out" is a good thing. Which gives me hope that perhaps we are over the era of Dr. Spock and Gary Ezzo*, and are moving into an era of healthier parenting. *See footnote!

The study closely tracked 78 people over a quarter-century, starting when they were babies. Mothers and infants were brought into a laboratory, and the mothers were asked to leave briefly. The infants became upset, of course, but the psychologists were interested in what happened when the mothers returned. Some infants clung tightly to their mothers and sought comfort. In a little while, they calmed down. But others refused to calm down even after lengthy soothing. And some babies refused to turn to their mothers for comfort at all.

Simpson said research has shown that secure infants turn to their parents when they are upset: "The kid learns, 'I can count on my parents to calm me down.' They learn to turn to others. Whereas insecure kids learn that my parent is either rejecting or they learn my parent is neglectful. Or 'I have to protest to get attention.' "

Why is this so hard to accept? Why do we want to treat infants like children, and children like young adults? Why do we wonder about "kids today" who don't trust their parents? It seems like a no-brainer to me...

"We find if you are insecure at age 1, that predicts being rated as being less socially competent than your peers during grades one-two-three, which predicts less reliance on your best same-sex friend when you are upset at 16, which then predicts more negative emotion in a romantic relationship at age 21 to 23," Simpson said.

Does this mean all insecure infants are doomed to a lifetime of unhappiness? Simpson argued otherwise. Human destiny is not so circumscribed, he said. What the study showed is how each developmental step influences the next, positively or negatively. While it is certainly best to be started in the right direction, people can always learn the skills needed for successful relationships.

That is what parenting is all about, isn't it? Giving our kids the basis to live, started in the right direction, towards building successful relationships?

"Contrary to the popular American myth that people left to fend for themselves become strong and independent, the psychological research seems to show exactly the opposite is true: It is the people who are confident enough to reach out to others for help -- and to whom help is given -- who become truly capable of independence...

"It is a lot easier for people to take risks and accept challenges when they know someone is available to help them and comfort them if something goes wrong," Feeney said. "The most secure individuals are able to turn to other people for support."

Wait, wait... where have I heard that before???

The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ. For we were all baptized by one Spirit into one body—whether Jews or Greeks, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink.

Now the body is not made up of one part but of many.

Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.

I Corinthians 12: 12-14, 27

Just makes me wanna go Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....

Deb

(*NOTE: If you have never heard of Gary Ezzo, or if their program "Growing Kids God's Way" has never hit your church, be grateful! A site that explains the many problematic issues with Ezzo's parenting philosophy is here. In the interests of being fair, you can find his self-promotions are here and here.)

Freecycled into a new stage...

Time flies...

We just gave our trusty play set to new neighbors (and new friends?) through FreeCycle. It was pretty nice to not have to take the thing to the dump. We were done with using it, and it had become "an attractive nuisance" in liability insurance parlance. Truth be told, I am not sure they got a bargain, even though they're happy. But a piece at a time, they've disassembled it to go to their yard. Their kids are thrilled to pieces. Our kids said, "eh... yeah... whatever..." and don't seem to care. I am a bit bemused...

...wasn't it only yesterday that Beloved Bearded Spouse and I assembled it in our garage (because it was raining) and then carried it out in large pieces to the yard, putting it together while the girls danced and hopped around us in excitement?

...wasn't it just yesterday that they had "trips to the moon" and secret rendezvous in the "clubhouse" and competed in "Olympics" on the hand-over-hand ladder and hanging rings?


...wasn't it just yesterday that kids were swinging and giggling on it on a summer's evening as the adults sat under the arbor, talking and swatting mosquitoes?

There is this funny "space" in our yard. The grass is trampled down with funny U-shaped ruts, and the footprint of the play set is still there. By a year from now, you'll never know what happened in this part of the yard...

But it's OK.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: [Eccl. 3:1]

I am happy it has a new home. I am sad that we are suddenly past play sets.
Sort of...

From our home to yours...
Deb

Just a minor rant... OK, a MAJOR one!

Some call it "shifting baselines" while others say it is "the decay of morality" in our society. I'd like to say it's a blip in the cultural radar screen, but I don't think so.

As Lawrence Downes wrote in his opinion piece in the New York Times, "Middle School Girls Gone Wild," there is a trend towards middle schoolers doing the "dirty dancing" that we never dreamed of back in the day! He writes:

"The scene is a middle school auditorium, where girls in teams of three or four are bopping to pop songs at a student talent show. Not bopping, actually, but doing elaborately choreographed re-creations of music videos, in tiny skirts or tight shorts, with bare bellies, rouged cheeks and glittery eyes."

You might be wondering, as I did, "where are their parents?" or perhaps you had this vague feeling of being a social dinosaur... It's not the music. It's not even the dancing so much. It's PARENTS allowing CHILDREN to engage in such a sexual display. I call them "children" because they are: middle schoolers are as young as 10 years old, and by the time they finish 8th grade, many are still only 13! Straight from MTV to your school's stage, it's allowed because it's "self-expression." We're not "hopping and bopping to the crocodile rock" but instead are "Gettin bodied (Im the only one tonight gettin bodied)" with Beyonce.

These girls are, in Downes' words, steeped in "the culture of boy-toy sexuality" of popular music culture. The parents think it's fine? The school allows it?

I'm aghast. I'd say it doesn't happen here in suburbia, but it does. I've seen the poms shake, and the cheerleaders do everything but cheer... I know what the teen norms are for what is worn at school, at the mall. I don't live in a Christo-bubble!

The norms have changed. Little girls aren't so girlie any more. Barbies are passe by age 5. Now the hip dolls are "BRATZ" with super made-up eyes and lips, slinky hips, and sultry clothes and attitudes. Their posture and their self-descriptions (check out their website) are decidely all grown-up. We seemed to skip from baby doll clothes to baby doll negligees in just a breath! Downes calls it "The Three Ages of Woman: first Mary-Kate, then Britney, then Courtney."

Realize two things:
First of all, we are raising girls. We have a middle schooler and a high schooler in public school. We do not let them wear belly shirts, show cleavage down to the nipples (whether or not they have cleavage!) or prance around in tight, short clothing. We just don't. We haven't forbidden make-up, but perhaps since I'm not much for make up, they aren't either. (Hey that could change... we'll deal with it.)

Secondly, I know we are raising them up to be WOMEN in every sense of the word. I don't want them to wear a full niqab or put on the potato sack wear of "Little House on the Prairie." I don't want them living in a Christian ghetto. Nor do I want to keep them in pigtails. They are growing up. Fast. And hopefully with a better self-image than being a 3-D boy magnet. (And as an aside, what do you suppose the parents of BOYS think about this? I wonder if it bothers them as it does me...)

So what can I do about it? Do I run for the copy of "Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm"? Do I forbid all the music with slutty lyrics? Keep them from hearing, seeing or watching Courtney, or Janet or Beyonce?

No, it's more practical to talk about what "modest" means (it doesn't equal "prude" - look it up!) We offer them ideas, concepts, and Truth that lasts. We look at culture and try to see its lessons and its mis-steps. It helps that they have great role models around them at school and church. (A BIG shout-out to Sarah, Mandy, April, Dana, Jen, Christie, Kristen, Barb, and everyone I am forgetting at the moment - YOU ROCK!) But first and last, I pray. For God's guidance. For discernment. And for ways to celebrate the women they are becoming, in every way, as God has created them to be. We throw out ideas of where they could use their talents in the workplace, in the home, in the church. We celebrate their interests and enjoy their accomplishments. We worry, cry, pray, hug and love them.

A full-time job, to be sure... easier, and not impossible with God's help!

Jesus said: "My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one." [John 15:16]

yeah. I'm up with that.

From our home to yours...
Deb