Consolation and Desolation

Ruth Haley Barton in her book Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership writes about the inner dynamics of consolation and desolation, referencing St. Ignatius of Loyola...

Consolation is the interior movement of the heart that gives a deep sense of life-giving connection with God, others and my most authentic self in God. It is the sense that all is right with the world, that I am free to be given over to God and to love even in moments of pain and crisis. Desolation is the loss of a sense of God's presence. I feel out of touch with God, with others and with my most authentic self. It is the experience of being off-center, full of turmoil, confusion and maybe even rebellion.

Experiences of consolation and desolation are not right or wrong; they just are. They need not be particularly momentous; in fact, they might seem relatively inconsequential until we learn topay attention and listen for what they have to tell us. God's will for us is generally for us to do more of that which gives us life (John 10:10) and to turn away from those things that drain life from us and debilitate us.
~ Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership, p 67

As I listen, wait and pray, I can ask for things which bring about God's abundant life in me, not the life-draining kind. Sometime the "abundance" overflows when I am shopping for mission trips. Or listening to a friend over coffee. Or even folding laundry... Other times it is when I am standing alone in the middle of the labyrinth, listening, waiting and praying for God's direction.

I am learning I do not have to 'do' to be blessed and restored to the abundant life. Thank God I am not always a slow learner...

Things I can't blog about

The list is long... they're good things, worrisome things, hysterically funny things and sad things... if you are good at praying for "all of the above" without the particulars, please do.

They are all things that involve other people's stories, so I can't blog freely about them. But they're keeping me awake and musing when I need to be horizontal and snoozing.

phooey...

Deb

Hardening - A Picture of God's Mercy

Being of the pigheaded variety of human being, I had a bit of a "mirror event" as I read the first half of Exodus for an assignment this week. We were tasked with considering how God's character meshed with God's judgment of Pharaoh, and how God's grace and humanity's freewill

At first reading, the issue of the hardening of Pharaoh's heart seems to be an extremely unfair action by God towards the Egyptian leader. However, after looking carefully at the words, it actually is a picture of God’s attempts to reconcile and redeem all of creation, even those who stand against God’s justice and God’s people.

The Hebrew words have meanings that emphasize the heavy, hard and severely unyielding reaction of Pharaoh's heart. (I won't bore you with a word study...) Each word has slightly different connotations, but the general meaning is one of a gradual, strengthening refusal to hear and obey the word of the Lord. They clearly show that God allowed and even precipitated the circumstances which led to Pharaoh’s decision to refuse to listen to the commands of Yahweh. And God used the opportunity to show the power and authority... that God's will would be done.

When one reads the Exodus narrative, it is notable that God’s foreknowledge and providence were evident. God knew that Pharaoh would be unwilling to yield; Pharaoh’s pride and desire for power would not allow him to worship Yahweh. And God used the circumstances to proclaim His power and magnificence to the “all the earth” (see Exodus 9:13-17). Even in what seemed to be a “defeat” at the edge of the Red Sea, God used the pride of the Egyptian army to show the power of Yahweh (Ex. 14:17-18).

Just as a piece of clay gradually hardens to a durable, hard object, so is the human’s heart response to God. At any point until the final hardening process, God’s mercy allows for change and renewal.

When I pray for God to re-make me... I'm asking God to keep me pliable and mold-able. So as a result, I'm put through changes, challenges and some personal remodeling.

Good stuff. Hard stuff. But necessary...

Deb

thoughts while a cat purrs on my lap...

The last week I've been studying for a church history midterm. I've been immersed trying to stuff dates, names, events and actions of the Late Middle Ages and the Reformation into my head. Actually, I was only trying to learn them long enough to dump them out on a test and then forget them.

The exam was made up of just essays. I survived it. While I don't have my grade yet, (I'm not holding my breath -- this prof is notorious for being S-L-O-W in posting them), I think I did OK. At least, if I remembered enough coherent facts in a sequence that passes for mastery. But here's what struck me as I studied. Over and over, the various factions and church leaders of a movement or sect would state that they were starting these reforms to take the church "back to the book of Acts." It was almost funny, except that it's a phrase that is far too commonly used to justify a church split. Especially today.

It's not like I don't have my own opinions. (I most certainly do.) And it's not that it's possible to have a perfect church (especially if you have an imperfect staff member like me on board.) But as I shoved these random facts in my head...

1453 Constantinople falls to the Turks
1512 Fifth Lateran Council
1517 95 Theses
1529 Marburg Colloquy with Luther and Zwingli
1530-31 Augsburg Confession written and published
1536 Calvn's institutes published

...I marveled at the well-meaning, studious, heaven-bent people who have gotten the church this far.

Yes, there have been crooks and charlatans. But over and through it all, God protects the Church. The Church lives on, moves on, and makes another step into the world.

And I guess that's why I am still studying. I'm a part of whatever that "step" is going to be.

Next....??? here we go, Lord...

Deb
Oh - all those dates I just spewed forth? not a ONE of them was on my exam!!!

There is a River

Worshipping as I study - this song came on my playlist...

There is a river that washes you clean
There is a tree that marks the places you've been
Blood that was spilled, although not your own
For all of those tears, love will atone

So, give up the right
To control the waves that empty out your life
Above wild skies
Are the rays that break the shadows we design

Blessed, slightly stressed, clinging to God's promises...

one light shines
one life given
one thought spoken
one heart broken

not in silence
nor in darkness
but in the presence of the Light
I find
promise
hope
future
vision

I am not focusing
on the shadows
or what you think you see
in me
but in
God's heart
God's voice
God's vision
God's Word.

God
I look
to You.
Amen

Life's a Beach

I just have to say, the beach is place where God brings more peace and restoration to my heart than any other place on earth...

The seas have lifted up, LORD,
the seas have lifted up their voice;
the seas have lifted up their pounding waves.

Mightier than the thunder of the great waters,
mightier than the breakers of the sea—
the LORD on high is mighty.

Psalm 93:3-4

= o =

The random placement of driftwood and the windblown sand during a stroll on the beach.

Resting in the sand, two gull eggs warm in the sun.

I love the natural beauty here. The sound of the wind in the palm branches. Bird calls. Stars that are brighter than the streetlights...

And at the end of the day, a quiet, peaceful sunset from the porch swing watching the sun go down.

Thank you, God, for the beach...

Prayer for inner rest and peace

Give me the strength that waits upon You in silence and peace. Give me humility in which alone is rest, and deliver me from pride which is the heaviest of burdens. And possess my whole heart and soul with the simplicity of love.

Occupy my whole life with the one thought and the one desire of love, that I may love not for the sake of merit, not for the sake of perfection, not for the sake of virtue, not for the sake of sanctity, but for You alone.

Amen...

Source: New Seeds of Contemplation (Thomas Merton)

Self-editing

Several of you have emailed and asked if I'm "OK" -- the answer is, I am very much OK! In fact, I am probably in a better frame of mind, with a more realistic view of life and mission and vocation.

There's a million things on my mind I'd love to write about... and they are at my heart of hearts. And they have other people wrapped up in the story, were I to tell it. I don't feel like I can write with honestly and clarity about it at the moment. Other people may write to embarrass or make an example of others. I just can't be, well... that cheesy. I have to self-edit.

Here's my life summary at the moment: God's grace abounds, my family is well. Life is a little crazy.

I am under the gun to get a church history paper done on "The Early Church and the Ordination of Women." So if you'd pray for a minor miracle to happen so that I can get that puppy written (still very much in the outline stage) I would appreciate it.

While you're praying... pray for me as I begin the work of planning and preaching on "Hope" on December 28th. Pray that I will offer God's Word for God's people. I can't ask for anything more than that...

And as for the rest. Ah. God knows about that too. And when I'm on the other side of it, I imagine it'll blog...

Happy Thanksgiving, friends...

Deb

A prayer in the night...

Ahhhh....
Mother Laura posted this and I'm grateful.

Enjoy a moment of reflection and, perhaps, re-direction.

Deb

from St. Ignatius Loyola, Spiritual Exercises

PROMISED

by Joshua Nalt

I can lean on this promise...

You know in your hearts and souls, all of you, that not one word has failed of all of the good things that the Lord Your God promised concerning you...
[Joshua 23:14b]

Sorry for the whining. I am gaining some spiritual muscle, I guess. And building up muscle... HURTS as you grow stronger.

Deb

deflated

This is hard.

I am trying to write an essay to the divinity school financial aid committee which explains how I need financial aid, what my goals for ministry are, and why they should "pick me!"

Somehow "Just give me the money!" is not the kind of essay they are looking for, I suspect.

These last few days, there have been all kinds of "holes" poked in my emotional balloon...

...money
...family
...snarky little comments
...interpersonal challenges
...condescending people
...failings and struggles out the wazoo (mine)

I know one does not serve God based on "feelings" but on faith. Yet the process of fighting for my dreams, of resting in my Call (and not defending or justifying it) has me just, well, deflated.

This emotional battle, this spiritual push to persevere is so tiring. And I'm not in "real" ministry yet... It's just the warm up? Geesh.
Thptptptptptpttpttttt......

Deb

Friday Five: Wait and Pray

Sally of RevGalBlogPals writes:

Part of the Ascension Day Scripture from Acts 11 contains this promise from Jesus;

"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”

Then he was taken from their sight into the clouds, two angels appeared and instructed the probably bewildered disciples to go back to Jerusalem, where they began to wait and to pray for the gift Jesus had promised."

Prayer is a joy to some of us, and a chore to others, waiting likewise can be filled with anticipation or anxiety....

So how do you wait and pray?

1. How do you pray best, alone or with others?

Without a doubt... I need others praying with me. But much of the "waiting" is done alone. There is a sense of comfort, though, knowing that I have shared my heart and others are listening.

2. Do you enjoy the discipline of waiting, is it a time of anticipation or anxiety?

You've GOT to be kidding! That's like saying, "you can't wait to have a root canal, right?" Uh, no. I hate waiting. I hate not knowing. I hate that period of what seems to be silence from God. I don't know like not knowing if it is a "no" answer or a "not yet"... when on the waiting side of a situation, they both look like a "no."

3. Is there a time when you have waited upon God for a specific promise?
Oh. I am definitely in one now. The tension of "the now and the not yet" of a place to be in ministry. The prophetic knowledge that God has something in mind for me... and not knowing what it is.

What comes to mind and helps me in this waiting zone is to remember the principle of the "fallow fields". When I was in France last November on a mission trip, I took this picture of a vineyard which looked like a bunch of dead sticks tried to the trellises. I was a symbol to me of the place of rest and fallowness in between periods of blossoming, fruit-bearing and harvest. We forget that in the cycle of ministry, of life, there is this "fallowness" -- and when you are there, it just ain't easy. Because you FEEL like sticks tied to a trellis, not a vine deeply rooted and preparing to yield fruit.

4. Do you prefer stillness or action?

Therein lies the problem of "waiting and praying" for me... I like ACTION, baby! And a lot of the wrestling I have been through over the past few months has been because I have had to WAIT. Ugh.

5. If ( and this is slightly tongue in cheek) you were promised one gift spiritual or otherwise what would you choose to receive?

Oh no. You're not getting me on that one. I am NOT going to pray for patience. Every time I do, I get handed a shipload of situations to practice it!! Truthfully, the desire of my heart is to be wise. And you only get that by experiencing life... sigh... so there's no short cut but listening, learning, watching, praying... failing... and trying again.

Blessings to all as we wait!

Deb

Legacy Redux

Posted at RevGals was Sunday's prayer... and one line resonated with me. It dovetailed with the focus of the sermon Darin (one of the preaching team) gave this morning on leaving a legacy:

May we always remember that how we live our lives speaks louder than the words we use, may our lives be a testimony of love to you. Amen.

Nichole Nordeman's song "Legacy" says it well, too...

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering.
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed Your name unapologetically...
And leave that kind of legacy.

Yeah. That pretty much says it...

Deb

waiting for the other shoe to drop...

Well, friends...

Friday is the day. D-Day. Yes, it was supposed to be LAST Friday. Because of circumstances beyond my control... it didn't happen. And short of hog-tying someone down or hiring a sumo wrestler, I've had few choices. I wait. I pray. I don't sleep well. And I cry... sometimes.

SO I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. The result will mean I will either be grateful... or be very sad.

I'm feeling kinda pessimistic again. I don't want to get my hopes up and ride the roller coaster of tears again...

I've decided that if I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, I am going to choose to drop Birkies. Might as well be comfortable... and might as well make Peace Bang crazy. Though I will say I have been ahead of the game and my tastefully decorated toes are quite lovely peeping out at the top.

Tomorrow to occupy my mind I am going to clean the patio and plant flowers... and just enjoy a bit of God space. If you are inclined to come pull some weeds, you'll know where to find me.

Deb

Disappointment

Don't want to go there and explain why...
This says it just fine.

Please pray for me because while I am at peace, it isn't easy.

Deb

============

Disappointment

by Phil Keaggy

Disappointment - His appointment,
Change one letter, then I see
That the thwarting of my purpose
Is God's better choice for me.

His appointment must be blessing
Though it may come in disguise
For the end from the beginning,
Open to His wisdom lies.

Disappointment - His appointment
Whose? The Lord's who loves best.
Understands and knows me fully,
Who my faith and love would test.

For like loving, earthy parent
He rejoices when He knows
That His child accepts unquestioned
All that from His wisdom flows.

Disappointment - His appointment
No good thing will He withhold
From denials oft we gather
Treasures from His love untold.

Well, He knows each broken purpose
Leads to fuller, deeper trust
And the end of all His dealings
Proves our God is wise and just.

Disappointment - His appointment
Lord I take it then as such,
Like the clay in hands of potter
Yielding wholly to Thy touch

All my life's plan is Thy molding
Not one single choice be mine
Let me answer unrepining,
Father not my will but Thine.

Just thinking...

I am not skilled to understand
what God has willed what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
is One who is my Savior...

Trying to trust...
Trying to rest...
Trying to listen...

OH GOD! I am TIRED of not knowing!
Sitting in Your waiting room... is hard.
Really hard.
I would be some kinda Pharisee if I didn't admit that...

Deb

A Keeper of a Quote

Brennan Manning always gets to the bottom of it all... The quote which follows spoke volumes to me. As I'm writing my "Theology of Ministry Leadership" I just keep coming back to the realization that I have so much to learn and feel so incredibly inadequate for the task. And I know that's a good place to be.

So many times I know I make choices, as a leader or a ministry "worker bee," based on what other people would think. So many times I know there is a better choice that would honor God and be a loving response to the people around me. Sometimes... I get it right.

Manning reminds me why it is so easy to get caught in the wrong mindset and response.

Deb

================

It is one thing to feel loved by God when our life is together and all our support systems are in place. Then self-acceptance is easy.

...But what happens when life falls through the cracks? What happens when we sin and fail, when our dreams shatter, when our investments crash, when we are regarded with suspicion? What happens when we come face to face with the human condition?

When I relapsed, I had two options: yield once again to guilt, fear, and depression: or rush into the arms of my Heavenly Father - choose to live as a victim of my disease; or choose to trust in Abba's immutable love.

Brennan Manning: Abba's Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging

face down

"Everything" by Lifehouse

from my heart...

musing at twilight

i stand and i watch
and wait
and weep
and wonder

why now?
why not later?
why not never?

i stand and i pray
and dream
and ask
and ponder

then when?
and where?
and could i ever?

footprints ahead
and beside
and behind
scattered in seemingly purposelessness
and aligned in purposefulness

God knows
God sees
God redesigns

the waves
come crashing on and on
higher and higher on the sand
tomorrow starts new

no blots
no mistakes
no pain
(except what i bring to it
and God allows)

still makes no sense
the whys
the worries
the wonder

God's love is bigger
stronger
deeper
overswells me
but does not overwhelm me

and for this night
this twilight prayer
that is more than enough
to break the dawn

Deb Vaughn
March 5, 2008