Monday, July 30, 2007

blocked... and I know why...

I am working on this one paper, ONE PAPER... and then the summer can be finished with family and friends as my priorities instead of school. As soon as this ONE PAPER is done, I can play, read and hang out without guilt.

That should be a great motivation. Should. Be.

The problem is... I am struggling to write. It's not a difficult paper. I'm not tracing a grand theological theme. I "only" have to write about the philosophical and practical framework for my vision for ministry of a community-based pastoral care ministry as it connects with my home church.

The blockage? It makes future ministry too "real" and I am in a fear of failure loop. It makes me dribble around in circles of self doubt and never get the guts to shoot the hoop.

Geesh. This is what I am pulled to do like a moth to the flame. But if I put it on paper, it suddenly scares the livin' daylights outta me... like I'm really a fraud. Or that I will truly stink at it.

OK. I know. I've been here before. I know it's a faith-building time. But that doesn't remove the simple, real fear...

I'm going to get some sleep and try again in the morning. One blinkin' paragraph at a time.

This. is. harder. than. it. looks...

d

3 comments:

mompriest said...

deb, I think many of us find ourselves where you are. (so, you are in good company!?!)...I do hope you get the paper written soon so you can have some fun.

Princess of Everything (and then some) said...

Why don't you just let it gush out of you without really analyzing it and agonizing. THEN, go back and really look at it. I think you might really be surprised.

Your fear has overwhelmed you and that is now how you were made.

Sally said...

Prayers (((Deb)))