Thursday, February 21, 2008


Let's call it "personality sandblasting."

There's not much else I can say to describe it. Edges of my life, my heart, my way of "being" have been going through some intensive purification recently.

I won't deny that I need the changes that are being scraped off of my personality... (would that they were pounds off my hips, but oh well...)

It is just simply hard.

More times in the last few months that I would like to admit, I have had one of these brutal heart-to-heart chats with God. I had said or done something that was... ahem... just a LITTLE rude or sarcastic, or even crass. And almost immediately a "poke" from God let me know I needed to either apologize, or swallow my pride and accept the criticism without retort, or be humbled.

It's like these little personality quirks are being sandblasted away. Some of the blasts follow quickly, right on the heels of the last one, and kinda deal with the same issues, an issue or an action that God simply does not like. The sandblasting hurts. Things are a little raw.

God! Please! Can we deal with another area of my life???

:I thought you'd never ask...:


Another thought, habit or pattern that needs changing gets tackled.

And you know what the worst part of all this really is? I am not really suffering. I am paying the consequences for my stupidity, my sin. But I am not dealing with cancer. Or a huge issue at home. Or a hurricane. Or a million other things in life that are "real" problems. I don't even want to call it "suffering" because it just does not compare! Not at all!

This sandblasting is because I gave God permission to get me ready for whatever was ahead. I said, "I don't want to fight You any more. I want to be the kind of pastor you want me to be."

:I thought you'd never ask! Here! read this!!:

You've never been good listeners to me.
You have a history of ignoring me,
A sorry track record of fickle attachments—
rebels from the womb.
But out of the sheer goodness of my heart,
because of who I am,
I keep a tight rein on my anger and hold my temper.
I don't wash my hands of you.
Do you see what I've done?
I've refined you, but not without fire.
I've tested you like silver in the furnace of affliction.
Out of myself, simply because of who I am, I do what I do.
I have my reputation to keep up.
I'm not playing second fiddle to either gods or people.
Isaiah 48:6-11 (The Message)

I know that this is to remake me and refine me. I know that this is stuff I should grapple with now. Every RevGal's blog I read shows me that I can learn how to battle this now... or keep stumbling and bumbling through it later... and hurt God's sheep in the process.

I believe the pattern it will create in me will be something beautiful and a little more like Jesus every day. And that's what I'm shooting for...

One blast at a time... ow.


1 comment:

Princess of Everything (and then some) said...

This was wonderful. I think it is my favorite thing of all that you have written.