I can let everyone else have a break but me. I can't take being graded on a curve. I want that top o' the heap, nail the 100% A+ grade every time. Since I don't always achieve it, I'm setting myself up for disappointment every time I don't get that grade.
So where does that expectation come from? And why can't I take a solid "B" in a class and relax???
I know who is recorded on this "tape" in my head. I replay it over and over, and it isn't healthy. It makes me want to do one of two extremes: give up and say "why try? I never will!" or dig in my heels and aggressively tackle the assignment, or task ahead of me.
It drives my family crazy when I am in "A+" mode. And even if I joke with them about the fact that I can get a "C" on my paper and still get an "A" in the class, I want to nail that "A" just to prove I "deserve" to be in seminary.
What's with that?
I can give you several reasons why...
- the words from people in my past who tell me what a woman/wife/mother should or should not do
- the overwhelming feeling that I need to knock out quality work because it's for my vocation, my calling
- the unintended guilt trip from a professor who states that many students "do not take the time" to do quality work on a project or paper...
In the words of Stuart Smalley:
I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!"
Or as Robert McGhee says:
Satan's lie: "Your Worth = Your Performance + Others' Opinions"
I am going back to my Truth Card that I wrote out when I studied McGhee's Search for Significance a few months ago:
- I am deeply loved by God (I John 4:9-10)
- I am completely forgiven and am fully pleasing to God (Romans 5:1)
- I am totally accepted by God (Col 1:21-22)
- I am a new creation, complete in Christ (2 Cor. 5:17)
No longer bound
to earth's trails that deceive me
I am walking in faith
and in God's love that encompasses me.
I leaned on friends,
but now only YOU...
Redeemer
Savior
Friend.
Amen.
Still learning and leaning...
Deb
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7 comments:
Thanks for your comment on my blog! This entry reminds me of my beautiful pastor wife. She's always excelled at the A+ thing. I sometimes wonder if she's really trying to live up to The Godster's standards :)
I've become a gourmet at hot baths because of this. People forget how great a HOT bath is. Try it with about 10 drops of Clary Sage Oil, and that B won't matter at all!
Sincerely,
PH
Peace and blessings Deb- and all will be well
Thanks for posting that. Amid church crisis and final exams, all under the gaze of an extremely critical PPRC, I need to hear that my worth is more than performance and opinion, but measure only through God's grace alone.
Here's a little perspective for you on the A+ thing ...
The person who graduated from my seminary with the highest grade point ever ... like an A++ ...
... at least as of 1990 ...
... went on to pastor a large steeple church ... and then went on to ...
... have an extra-marital affair with a bishop's daughter ...
... and quite possibly arrange for his wife's almost murder, although he was found "not guilty".
He was on my ordination examination boards at several different levels of the process ... and he was an arrogant [unprintable word.]
He preached a revival at the church I grew up in, during which he spoke of sin and was pointing his finger at people in the congregation as being sinners --and then a month or so later all of this broke loose.
You might not always get an A+, but I can tell from your blogging that you have something far better than the best grade: integrity. Authenticity.
Yes, D, all will be well ... go take that hot bath and RELAX
Thanks for this post, Deb. You are good enough enough and smart enough and,doggone it, I like you!
I once had a professor tell me that I suffered from "academic works righteousness" *sigh* but I just NEED that grade...
just a counter point to that professor who says students don't put in time. I have a professor at who thinks we should do away with grades and make it pass fail because we should not be in seminary for grades....
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